Is everyone capable of relationships? About types of affection
From the point of view of psychology, the problem is in the ability to be close: some can withstand a long and stable relationship, but for others it is scary. They need to approach, then move away; then request love and support, then repel. The ability to build relationships is built from childhood. Depending on what kind of relationship we had with mom, this or that type of attachment is being formed. From this very type depends on how we will behave in relationships. Scientists discovered this fact when they found out that children react differently to temporary separation from their mother. Psychologists could not resist the temptation to divide children into several types. Later it turned out that it was these psychological types that determine how a person will build love relationships. 1. Safe type Mom left – the child was upset, mom came – rejoiced. Such children are wary of strangers, but if the mother is nearby, then the child is able to communicate with a new person. This type is formed if the child received from the mother a sufficient amount of emotional support and a sense of security next to her. If the mother was reliable and predictable, then the child concludes: “Relationships are safe and pleasant.” In adulthood, such children easily build relationships, are not afraid to trust a partner. They are able to withstand intimacy, reliably attached to another and not give up a loved one with or without. 2. Avoiding type That mother leaves, that comes – all the same. But such children are not afraid of strangers, they communicate with them calmly and easily. It’s as if it makes no difference who is nearby. Many mothers rejoice in such behavior, call children “independent”. Only these children are desperate. They were refused support when they needed it, and it hurt them so much that they learned not to ask. External “independence” is a defense against the pain of rejection. This type appears in the child, for example, if the mother could not be there – she was sick or was forced to go to work early. Or mother was physically present, but emotionally she was not up to the child. This happens if she had depression or if the child was unwanted. An evading type is also formed when the child is patronized and controlled, but at the same time insensitive to his needs. Like in a joke: “Mom, why do I have to go home? Am I hungry? ”“ No, son, you are cold! ” So the child learns to either not understand his own desires, or to hide them from others (after all, nobody cares). The conclusion from childhood is this: “no one can be trusted.” Photo: Depositphotos It is difficult to establish long-term close relationships with them. They constantly run away – either physically or emotionally. They don’t have the habit of asking for support, they don’t talk about when they feel bad. It is easier for such people when no one is dependent on anyone, when there is no one especially important and significant. Or eat, but not for long. To get love, and not get too attached. 3. Anxious type These are children who, when separated from their mother, became hysterical. And when she came again, the children from this group behaved indifferently or aggressively: as if they were offended by her absence and did not want to show that she was important. This type appears in the case of the unpredictability of the mother: if she rejects it, then she brings it closer, if she can praise the child for one and the same action, and punish him another time. The conclusion is simple: “proximity is unstable, fragile and unpredictable.” Relations for such people are always associated with a feeling of great anxiety. They are sensitive to any criticism, looking for a trick, they doubt the feelings of a partner. Yes, the question “Do you love me?” 150 times a day – just about this type of affection. Such a person spends a lot of effort on trying to make everything around predictable and stable. Such people are afraid of the new, cling to the familiar, try to play safe and double-check. For them, constancy is so important that they preserve even destructive relationships – just not to interrupt.