Mine, yours and ours: how do we lose ourselves in a relationship?
Here she has time for her ladies’ affairs – to go shopping, make a mask, chat with her friends. And he has his own personal time – to play a computer, go to football with friends, just lie down and do nothing. Plus, everyone has a job. And they also have a common time that they spend in joint classes, whether it is a family dinner, going to the cinema or to the theater, a trip to Ikea with new chairs. Family psychologists believe that in healthy relationships a couple things are exactly like this: there is a “I”, “you” and “we”. Moreover, each pair has its own proportions. Someone, for example, has a large personal space, and they need everyone in the room to be able to be alone. The other couple does not need this, because their need is not so pronounced. And it is quite enough for them to have their territory in a different form (each has its own space on the Internet, in books, at work). Common makes us a couple. His allows you to save personality, to be together without losing yourself. Leave a place for “your” pastime. As everyone has already guessed, problems in a couple begin when the fragile balance of personal life and common life is violated. Zealously protect their own, defend autonomy – this is usually a male tendency. But to merge into one whole, to dissolve in a loved one and to create more in common – this is female. That’s about this “female” in the psychology of relationships, and I propose to talk. We are biologically embedded in the desire to create a common – relationships, home, family, children. But sometimes we ourselves do not notice how this instinct makes us unhappy. And at the same time our partners. Of course, I want to spend more time with my loved one. But every time you refuse to meet with friends in order to stay with him, you give a part of yourself. This happens every time you change your plans, give up your own goals, and sacrifice “your” time for the sake of “ours”. The most vile thing is this: while you do this, all this does not seem to you a victim! You do it voluntarily, of your own free will. You yourself do not think that you will then bill him for it when it turns out that you spend all your “time” on a common life, but you don’t have any time left for yourself. When it turns out that you no longer have your friends and hobbies. When you suddenly look at yourself and realize that somewhere the interest in life has disappeared, but after all you used to be completely different … The most vile is this: in the beginning, while you do this, all this doesn’t seem like a victim to you at all! This happens gradually. You slowly and faithfully give back “yours”, what made you you. Hiding, hiding and … disappearing. And getting yourself back is very, very difficult. The partner is already used to it, he will begin to quite rightly make claims: he does not understand why you suddenly become “selfish”. He is angry and protests. And you are afraid of losing it, because you have nothing left, it seems to you that without it you will not be able to. And it seems that there is no way out of this trap. In such a situation, there is a great temptation to fall into the position of a victim of circumstances and blame the partner for the fact that “for the sake of you I have given the best years of my life.” Only the woman did it herself. Even if she caught a select tyrant who from the very beginning forbade to see friends, go to dances or work, then to obey or not to obey him was her choice. You can get yourself back. Slowly, bit by bit. Just like she lost. This, of course, is extreme. But it is not so rare. And we all sometimes feel that a relationship has come to a skew. Maybe everything is not so critical, and you have something “your” left. But some part – lost. It is difficult to understand where the natural and normal concessions and compromises end, without which the couple will simply fall apart, and where the process of losing oneself begins. We all deep down want to return to childhood, when the closest person was with us constantly. The desire to create a common and the desire to become one with your beloved person, never to be parted and to do everything together – two different desires. One of them is mature, the other is childish, infantile. Psychoanalysts say that we all somewhere deep down want to return to early childhood, when the closest and loved one was with us constantly. But when we get older, we gain the ability to endure separation and deal with differences. Our adult part sees it this way: to love is “I will not give you the last, otherwise I will be angry with you for my own sacrifice.”