Harmony in marriage: what do we really want?
For example, you can perceive the partner’s discontent as his personal flaw. You feel bad – that means you’re hysterical / yourself to blame; your problem – you understand. In this case, the responsibility for the problem is completely transferred to the partner, the second participant in the events self-relieves, does not want to recognize and solve the difficulties that have arisen. That is, couples as such – no. They are together only in joy, but everyone has his own grief. It is believed that a mature marriage means meeting the needs of both partners. In this case, someone’s dissatisfaction (it doesn’t matter, his or her) is a task that is important to solve together. That is: everything is in order with you and with me, none of us is “wrong”; we have the right to feel what we feel, and we are not obliged to cope with it alone. The slogan is “Someone’s needs are not satisfied? So, we have a problem, and we can cope with it. ” An important point: there are paired needs (which are satisfied precisely in the relationship), but there are individual and social ones. That is, some desires can and should be realized only in pairs, and some generally have nothing to do with a partner. It is sometimes difficult to draw a clear line, because it often happens that one need looks like another. For example, a wife offers her husband to go to the cinema. But he doesn’t want to go to the cinema. The quarrel begins, because he feels that they are putting pressure on him, and she … But let’s deal with her in more detail. What does this movie mean to her? 1. I would like to watch a specific movie or go not somewhere, but in a movie. This is a need for leisure, a change of scenery, and a discharge of tension. Is a husband necessary for this? Not. This need can be met alone or with friends. By the way, how is she with friendship? Everything is good in this area, has she forgot about the social part of life? If there are no friends, this is her problem, not her husband. He has nothing to do with it. 2. I would like diversity, romance, celebration precisely in relations with my husband. That is, I want to refresh feelings, add joint experiences. Is a husband necessary for this? Yes. This is a paired need, because it concerns relations with him. Does a movie only help you find peace and joy? Of course not. If he doesn’t want to go to the cinema, and it needs to be “walked” – the task is simplified: you just need to find another way to add variety. What will suit him? If instead of a movie – a walk, dinner at home by candlelight? Well and so on. It turns out that the needs can be very different, and the conflict is one and the same. The trouble is that with great difficulty we can highlight our own needs. We do a lot of what is necessary. So much that over time we stop hearing our own “want.” Remember: from childhood we were taught not to follow our desires, to postpone them for later and focus on duties, not on rights. We were often told that it was “impossible”, but they forgot to say that “it is possible.” And over time, we lost the ability to be in touch with our desires, to be attentive and sensitive to ourselves. We are not used to hearing ourselves and understanding what we really want, and exactly what our needs are not satisfied. And since we ourselves do not understand what we want, then how can a partner know this? It turns out a funny but bitter picture: “I want something – I don’t know what. And if you don’t give it to me, then you don’t love / you are not my man. ” How do we recognize what exactly is missing and how can we deal with this together? There are needs that everyone has heard of. That is, those needs that are considered “right” and socially approved. For example, the need for communication or intimacy is understandable, it should be. And we can recognize this need. With the need for support, it’s already more difficult, because they recognize it, but how exactly you want to satisfy it is an individual question: one needs to just sit next to it, the other needs to be listened to, and for the third, support is when they provide specific assistance in solving Problems. All this is about support, but in different languages of love. And there are such needs that are talked about a little. They are also natural, and we all have every right to these desires. All of them are important, because these are components of happiness and harmony in family life. But they are often underestimated, or simply not noticed. For example, we often ignore such important needs: Admiration and success. In the holiday, in the discharge of tension. The need to work, help others and take care of the family is great, but without relaxation it turns into hard labor. Sometimes it’s vital to play a computer or have dinner prepared for you. In physical comfort. For some reason, it is “accepted” to recognize the need for order and cleanliness, but at the same time, the need for personal space often falls into “disgrace”. In loneliness, freedom and isolation (oh, how often it is opposed to love!). In the separation of one’s own feelings. Sometimes we just need to be understood, to give our feelings the right to exist; could withstand our condition and be with us in this.