The challenges of marriage: where do we start?
It is important to remember that not one of the tasks of marriage is solved once and for all. Relations are developing in a spiral, and with each stage in the life of the family, all these tasks require new solutions that are appropriate to the situation. Well, you have decided, say, with the distribution of financial roles. For example, they decided that the family budget would consist of your two salaries. And then suddenly a decree. Either one of you fell under a job reduction, or decided to change your profession, or retired – in a word, the situation has changed. This is exactly the moment when you have to make a new decision, adapting to the current conditions. With money, it is more or less obvious, special sensitivity is not required here. In the end, it’s hard not to notice that suddenly there was nothing to live for. But when it comes to finer things, you can easily not notice what exactly went wrong. As a result, at first there appears a vague, and then an extremely distinct feeling of dissatisfaction with one’s family life. This happens when a couple is either fixed on one of the tasks, losing sight of the rest, or does not have time to adapt to changing conditions. But in addition to the tasks of marriage that each couple faces, there is still such an important thing as the personal characteristics of partners. There is nothing wrong with a couple betting on one of the functions if it suits both. It’s great to have common values. Especially if you also remember about other tasks. So, get acquainted: the tasks and functions of the family. 1. The formation of the external and internal boundaries of the family. External borders – this is how other people (moms, dads, friends) are included in family life. If the external borders are closed, then the family is separated from society and “cooks in its own juice”, without any support from outside. This often happens in families where there are addictions, physical or psychological abuse. If the boundaries of the family are weak and blurry, then everyone who is not lazy intervenes in their personal lives. Most often these are the parents of the couple – for example, mothers who set the rules for a young family, affect the relationship between spouses and so on. Ideally, of course, the task of emotional separation from parents is the personal story of each of the partners. But in practice, it often happens that young people “run away from their mother to get married.” True, she catches up with them and beyond the threshold of the registry office. But life puts everything in its place: sooner or later, one of the spouses begins to feel that the interference is too strong. Conflicts begin, due to which children either separate from their parents, becoming primarily a husband and wife, and not a daughter and a son, or these relationships end and the task is transferred to the next partner. The internal boundaries of the family are what the couple has in common and what is separate, personal. There are people who expect a complete merger, unconditional acceptance and understanding on the part of the partner. They are terribly hurt when he has something separate, when he has a different opinion, or when he just wants to be alone. Traveling somewhere without each other is unacceptable for them, and communicating with other people causes a real panic. They need everything to be together and in half. Others, such a strong intimacy scares. These are those who have a large personal space, who need to feel above all a separate personality, and not part of a couple. Some of these “distant” people just need their own territory or time, which no one will claim. And it’s unbearable for someone to live with another person, and if such people find each other, nevertheless enter into a relationship, then most often each of them has their own apartment. Everyone has their own concepts of safe proximity. Here, as they say, the main thing is that it coincides. Well, or to be able to agree. 2. Social status function. This task also appears one of the first and often becomes the reason for marriage (“because it’s time”, “society crushes”, etc.). Its purpose is to achieve a certain status in the eyes of society and itself. And this is the normal and natural task of the family, if it complements, but does not replace, the goals and values of partners.