Tasks of marriage: what love boats are broken about?
So, we continue to study the tasks and functions of marriage: 3. Household function. This includes the tasks of the material plan, personal comfort and organization of life. And they stand in front of every couple who decides to live together. And here we again send greetings to our moms and dads, and more precisely – to how these functions were distributed in the parent family. Simply put, each of the partners has their own ideas about who and what should be done financially and in everyday terms. Many “love boats are broken in everyday life” in the presence of domestic incompatibility (yes, yes, they even came up with a special term). For example, in his family there were only women – mothers, grandmothers, aunts, sisters – and he was used to the fact that female creatures were engaged in all household chores. And she is from a family where it was customary to share household chores, and for her the norm is that the one who first arrived cooks and erases and irones each for himself. Or another example: her family kept order. No dust, all things in their places and a lot of free space – this is the norm. And he has solid creative people scattering everything and everywhere. First, it will pick up and clean everything after him, and then it will simply explode. So how do they get along? Who should give in to whom? It’s hard to decide. And there are couples for which this function is the main one. They have the same ideas about life, they want the same thing, sincerely rejoice in joint acquisitions. For them, the goal of living together is to create their own nest and equip it. They save for something in the house, and then for a long, long time they rejoice at it. And when they come to visit, they instantly notice new things from others. As a rule, these are also strong marriages. In general, those with similar expectations are strong, have a sensitivity to the needs (of their own and that of their partner) and the ability to adapt. The financial issue is a separate issue (for the whole dissertation, it seems to me). There are families where he earns, there are – where in half, but it happens that she. Someone decided to save for large purchases together, and small expenses are divided by items (you are for food, I am for household expenses). In some families they live on the money of his wife, and he buys apartments-cars-furniture. And for other couples, her money is for beauty, and his money is for everything else. Well and so on. If the ideas about who and what should make money coincide, then difficulties can arise only when the situation changes. But if they did not match, then the pair either diverges, or … converges in the middle. This is an interesting point. If, for example, she expects that he will earn anything at all, and he – that will be cut in half, then in the end he will earn most of the money, and she will make less. With this, as a rule, agreements begin. 4. Reproductive function. In a broad sense, this function is associated with the tasks of “creating the third of two”, with the implementation of the needs for care, mentoring, transfer of own experience. Not always a couple realizes this only in children and grandchildren: maybe their “third” is joint large projects, business, a garden, caring for pets, etc. But most often this function, of course, concerns children. For couples in whom parental function is leading, life is organized around children. It happens that spouses are so addicted that they even turn to each other not by name, not by dear, beloved, but by “mom” and “dad”. Many couples take care of children so much, put so much effort into parenthood that they simply do not have the time and opportunity to remember that they are not only mom and dad, but also husband and wife. When a family has small children, then somehow it’s not up to romance and emotional closeness. And then they get used to living in such a regime, you don’t want to change something, and why … So they fall into the trap of parenthood – a situation in which only children hold the couple together. But children have a peculiarity – they grow. Sooner or later they will need to separate and start their own family. Such parents, of course, wish this to the children and want to sooner grandchildren (in place of the children), but unknowingly do what prevents the children from growing up and becoming separate … (see the first task of marriage). “The crisis of the empty nest” is the name of this difficult period in the life of a couple, when the children grow up and the spouses again remain together, but the closeness has already been lost, there’s nothing to talk about, and there’s no desire or strength to restore relations. A large number of divorces is associated with this particular period of the couple’s life.