What does it mean to “work on relationships”? Part 1
At this moment, I really want to decide that something is wrong with my partner. What they chose is not that. And there is also a wild temptation to be angry righteously, raise your hands to heaven and exclaim: “Why should I do something? Why not him (a) !? ”(Both, both relax. You just don’t see half the efforts of others or consider them nonsense). In addition, another sweet thought lurks in the bushes: to work on relationships … unilaterally. That is, to come up with a million ways to bend a partner for yourself, make him be what you need. But work on relationships is primarily work on oneself. It means stepping over one’s fears, one’s desire to give up everything and start anew with someone, and sometimes to spit on one’s “pride”. Working on relationships is each time fighting the temptation to take the path of least resistance, choosing your partner again and again. This is to give up fantasies in favor of reality. Namely: 1. Recognize that the problem exists. It is widely believed that if you don’t talk about something, then this is as it were. In practice, it happens differently: if you don’t talk about the problem, then it will hide somewhere in the corner, pretend that it has disappeared, and itself will gain strength, eat up offenses and grow. And at the most inopportune moment, she will jump out and attack love relationships. And by that time it will be so huge that getting rid of it will be a million times more difficult than when it first appeared, when it was small and weak. To admit is difficult. After all, this means destroying the children’s fantasy of a relationship in which there are no quarrels and disagreements. In addition, to voice the problem is scary. What if he (a) does not hear, ignores, decides that you want a lot? What if he quit altogether, since you are such a “problematic” person, since it’s difficult with you? 2. To understand what exactly is the problem. That is, to understand yourself. And even more precisely – to understand what kind of need is not satisfied. And be able to explain exactly what you want your half to do. Not “what not to do,” but “what to do.” Until you understand this yourself – do not even think to be disappointed in a partner! “Bring that, I don’t know what” – this, excuse me, is a manipulation in the bad sense of the word. By such behavior you make your loved one feel like an idiot. And you do not help him understand you, but simply scoff. If you do not know what you need, then no one will know. An example about men: now he wants to go left. You can follow this desire, or you can figure it out. That is, to think, what is the reason for such a desire? It will seem that it is associated with a particular neckline of a particular lady. The one you want to change with. But this is a deception of perception. This is the initial answer. And if the desire to delve into more details, then it may turn out that it is connected, for example, with the desire to win a new woman, just another, and not the one to which he is used. And the specific neckline has nothing to do with it. Or maybe tired of the monotony in sex. Well, from a purely technical point of view. And it may turn out that all this is not about sex at all, but about admiration, which you can’t get from your lady. An example about women: if you are tired of everyday life and predictability, this does not mean that you need to urgently have a lover. This means that you do not have enough emotions and celebration, and you have ignored these important needs for too long. Understanding oneself is difficult. Here again, one has to abandon the illusions that “if you need to work on relationships, then this is not a relationship” and “if this is my man, he will guess.” Yeah of course. Guess about what we ourselves do not know … 3. Explain our needs to the partner. Again and again. Find a million words and ways to convey what is important to you. You say, but he does not understand? So try again. And further. And further. In other words, with a different argument. And further. Ask your partner’s friends how to get across? Think about what’s important to him. How can one reveal your values by the example of his values? They said something a million times and are afraid that he will not hear again? Tell us about your fear! Just like this: “What I want to say is very important to me. This is my weak point. I trust him to you. I’m very scared that you won’t hear, but I’m still taking a chance – for the sake of our relationship. ” Or like this: “For me, it’s a great feat to say out loud what I’ll say now. And I’m afraid of your reaction. So let’s agree. If you want to respond sharply somehow, then you just kiss my nose, okay? ”And one more thing: are you sure you need to say exactly and not to show? In the end, men understand at the level of action, and women at the level of words and emotions. She needs to talk about feelings, and then she will hear. He needs to show his actions. Yes, this will be the real work – when you don’t want to explain the same thing 100 times, when you want to wave your hand and put a label “he / she does not understand me”, but you try anyway, you try anyway.